The Home Crowd

I’ve seen Esquire’s list of “75 skills every man should master” around a few times lately, and though I’d chime in, seeing as how…

1. It’s a great list
2. Esquire’ is a men’s magazine, but certainly women can master these skills as well. Thing is, the main reason men are mastering these skills is to impress the ladies. Let us have that, huh?
3. There’s some quality home-related skills most of us should brush up on. If you haven’t learned them, it’s a great reminder.
4. It was time for a new list, as mine has grown stale (see below)

Understandably, some of us just won’t have the drive to take on the entire list, and some items you just wouldn’t care for anyhow. But here are some of the relevant entries I took note of.

14. Chop down a tree. Know your escape path. When the tree starts to fall, use it.

(Also, chop down a tree in good weather, My first experience was chopping down our xmas tree in 2 feet of snow. The trunk, was frozen, and halfway through I’d only wished that santa would bring me a chainsaw….right then)

15. Calculate square footage. Width times length.

(Perfectly useful if you’re measuring a rectilinear space. Not a useful explanation. Instead, find the floorplans and your tape measure, for more help, see the explanation here at about.com)

16. Tie a bow tie.

(There was an explanation with that one, but it’ll never happen, not with me, not without a tux. That’s one fashion don’t that’s about as dead as a hitler-esque moustache)

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill.

Buy The Way to Cook, by Julia Child. Try roasting. Braising. Broiling. Slow-cooking. Pan searing. Think ragouts, fricassees, stews. All of this will force you to understand the functionality of different cuts. In the end, grilling will be a choice rather than a chore, and your Weber will become a tool rather than a piece of weekend entertainment.

(Julia Child??? What century was this writer born in? Granted, a master grillmaster who can bend a vegan’s will is certainly bound for greatness. However, I haven’t seen a cookbook without Rachel Ray’s face plastered over it in years.)

25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it.

Use a contractor’s hammer. Swing hard and loose, like a tennis serve.

(Yes!!! Just like that, just don’t jump up in the air like the pros do…. Grunting is of course optional and encouraged)

28. Play go fish with a kid.

You don’t crush kids. You talk their ear off, make an event out of it, tell them stories about when you were a kid this or in Vegas that. You have to play their game, too, even though they may have been playing only for weeks. Observe. Teach them without once offering a lesson. And don’t be afraid to win. They can handle it.

(One of the great pleasures in life is playing games with kids, and also it’s a great excuse to build that re-creation of your favorite football stadium in your backyard - Not a hawaii fan, but this video is impressive)

31. Make a bed.

(Why… Outside of having company over, is there a GOOD reason for this?)

33. Hit a jump shot in pool. It’s not something you use a lot, but when you hit a jump shot, it marks you as a player and briefly impresses women. Make the angle of your cue steeper, aim for the bottommost fraction of the ball, and drive the cue smoothly six inches past the contact point, making steady, downward contact with the felt.

(Better yet….don’t! Everytime you see some yahoo attempt a jump shot, you automatically think it’s a mistake, and bar patrons start dodging your line of fire. Learn how to Masse’ a cue ball. Get around that nasty 8 ball blocking your shot. Having this shot in your arsenal shows that you’ve got skills that seemingly defy physics, and that you have a good enough touch not to tear up the table felt. Can you ever be too good at this shot? Yeah, the guy below is a perfect example)

35. Jump-start a car (without any drama). Change a flat tire (safely). Change the oil (once).

(Left out - Read the instructions. Hooking up jumper cables with the wires crossed can lead to a face full of battery acid. Make damn sure the jack as well as your car is secured for your own safety and prevention of toe-loss. And when changing oil…don’t forget to replace the drain plug before adding new oil to your engine. How will you know if it wasn’t replaced? Your car suddenly takes 18 quarts of oil, and there’s suddenly a pool of oil under your car)

46. Tell a woman’s dress size.

(Don’t tell them out loud. They hate that…)

The entire list at Esquire - Link